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Gazette

Broddie's Gazette No. 17

December, 2012

 

 

The Bowel Cancer Pack

 

I recently received a pack in the mail which required me to have a few “George Costanza” moments.

 

This is the bowel cancer pack where you collect stool samples and then mail em off.

 

Ok you may well ask what’s the big deal?

 

The big deal is trying to do properly what they ask of you.

 

You want to do the right thing naturally.

 

They give you instructions, some sheets of collection paper, some syringe looking things and some thin canisters to put that stuff in and a mail off pack.

 

Simple?

 

A Big no.

 

You have to first urinate and then do number 2 onto the piece of paper provided which is placed in the bowl.

 

Now, I don’t know if I’m weird or something but being a guy I’m not sure how you separate both actions cleanly.

 

You also have to do two samples on different days. They must also not contain water from the bowl.

 

And you have to collect the samples by running a small plastic looking syringe stick thing over the stool.

 

Okay.

 

Sample 1

 

This was a trying time to get the sample.

 

Having done Nasho I have no problem with human waste as I’d cleaned out many latrines and broken up gargantuan anacondas with sticks so they would disappear.

 

But the almost Airfix model airplane kit delicateness of extracting what they wanted was similar to Tom Cruise upside down trying to rob a computer .

 

One drop of sweat and bingo the task is buggered. So to speak.

 

 

I managed after great “bomb disposal anxiety” to get it done.

 

Sample 2

 

The second unfortunately was a giant Hindenburg effort that collapsed the paper and water was starting to soak the aforementioned IED.

 

But being the valiant digger I am I was down on hands on knees with syringe desperately trying to get the sample before it sank.

 

I did it , packed it off and sent it away.

 

Today they kindly sent me a letter saying I was clean , so to speak.

 

I honestly think they need to send you extra stuff like the paper and some of the collection things because there’s no room for mistakes.

 

To anybody reading this madness I suggest you practise with your own paper and some toothpicks first.

 

And truthfully how are high class Australian ladies going to do this?

 

It really is beneath them ( Pun intended )

 

Brod

 

 

 


 

 

*To order a copy of the album

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Click here for Broddie's Gazette No. 16

 

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