Broddie's Gazette No. 17
The Bowel Cancer Pack
I recently received a pack in
the mail which required me to have a few “George Costanza” moments.
This is the bowel cancer pack
where you collect stool samples and then mail em off.
Ok you may well ask what’s the
The big deal is trying to do
properly what they ask of you.
You want to do the right thing
They give you instructions,
some sheets of collection paper, some syringe looking things and some thin
canisters to put that stuff in and a mail off pack.
A Big no.
You have to first urinate and
then do number 2 onto the piece of paper provided which is placed in the
Now, I don’t know if I’m weird
or something but being a guy I’m not sure how you separate both actions
You also have to do two
samples on different days. They must also not contain water from the bowl.
And you have to collect the
samples by running a small plastic looking syringe stick thing over the
This was a trying time to get
Having done Nasho I have no
problem with human waste as I’d cleaned out many latrines and broken up
gargantuan anacondas with sticks so they would disappear.
But the almost Airfix model
airplane kit delicateness of extracting what they wanted was similar to
Tom Cruise upside down trying to rob a computer .
One drop of sweat and bingo
the task is buggered. So to speak.
I managed after great “bomb
disposal anxiety” to get it done.
The second unfortunately was a
giant Hindenburg effort that collapsed the paper and water was starting to
soak the aforementioned IED.
But being the valiant digger I
am I was down on hands on knees with syringe desperately trying to get the
sample before it sank.
I did it , packed it off and
sent it away.
Today they kindly sent me a
letter saying I was clean , so to speak.
I honestly think they need to
send you extra stuff like the paper and some of the collection things
because there’s no room for mistakes.
To anybody reading this
madness I suggest you practise with your own paper and some toothpicks
And truthfully how are high
class Australian ladies going to do this?
It really is beneath them (
Pun intended )
a copy of the album